Social Security unable to accept Email ‘the work of the devil’

The Social Security Department are unable to accept documents by email due to suspicions that the internet may harness evil powers from beyond the grave.

Maureen Le Croix, speaking on behalf of the department, told us; ‘we have a duty to protect our staff and accepting material in a non hard copy format could potentially harbor evil power that could prove dangerous to our employees’.

The internal policy of worker protection means that Islanders required to submit a tax return in order to prevent Social Security from charging as much as possible in contributions each year will have to do so in person. Hard copies of your tax return can, of course,  be obtained from The Tax office, on the opposite side of St Helier. Maureen went on to tell us that; ‘the requirement to present a hard copy is so that we can scan it back into a digital format once within the safe confines of the Social Security building’. Accusations that the paper itself could attract other evil forces whilst held in hand across through the long journey between the physical buildings of the two closely related states departments were rejected.

Gavin Le Brun, 29, from St John noticed the anomoly when trying to use email, long regarded as the most modern and convenient means of transferring a digital document from one location to another, to send in his tax assessment. He told us; ‘I’ve been paying maximum rate this year, over 25% of my income, to Social Security as I hadn’t realised my return didn’t get passed between the tax and social security department. I tried to email it to avoid such a high proportion of my income being taken but learnt of the ‘evil spirit’ policy’.

The Enquirer has learnt that despite being so inextricably linked and ultimately part of the same government the tax and social security departments are bitter enemies and refuse to share anything, not even sandwiches during teambuilding exercises. A spokesman for the tax department echoed the Social Security department’s standpoint. ‘We’re afraid that if we open up our system to other departments ghosts and other evil spirits may transfer between departments hidden in the useful data that would limit paperwork and bureaucracy and save people time and money’ said tax worker Bob Syvret.

People wishing to avoid being overcharged non refundable Social Security contributions are advised to wear sturdy shoes for the long walk between the two departments and get their tax returns in by the 31st March in order that they may avoid spending another year unnecessarily subsidising the lawn entertainment outside general hospital.

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