In a groundbreaking move that will have economists scurrying back to their textbooks, the States have decided to compete with itself in an attempt to help Jersey consumers.
The States Competition Tsar explained how Islanders would benefit, “It’s quite a simple concept really. We have actively encouraged Jersey Post to diversify into the mobile phone market and to compete with Jersey Telecom. Jersey Post’s management team has nothing on its plate at the moment and it matters little that they have no experience of the telecoms market. Of course, in line with States policy the new mobile will be made of 100% local stone (see below).”
When asked to explain how this made commercial sense, as the States own each company, and was clearly making an attractive return from its dominant market position”, the Tsar said, “It is part of a proactive plan to make the Island look very, very silly and our investment advisors very, very rich.”
The Tsar continued, “our legal advisors (Messrs Sue, Grabbett & Run) were also of the view that texting was tantamount to theft from the Post Office, so Jersey Post has every right to fight back, particularly as very few texters put stamps on their correspondence and this contravenes article 495(c) of the Jersey Postal Law (1826)”.
Despite disquiet from some sources, the Competition Tsar was unrepentant, and was indeed bullish about other initiatives being launched in the near future, “In a somewhat different vein we have decided to merge the Airport with Harbours and, although some would say that one deals with planes and one with boats. Where the naysayers see chalk and cheese, we see oil and water”.
The debate is expected to continue at a cost of approximately £2.5 million per week (plus GST).
Working with the States Chief Officer of Stone and Granite Products, Jersey Post have announced the first of these cafes will replace the Two-Loos facility in Broad Street and others are expected to follow.